Resources for Parents

Adjustment Issues for You and Your College Student

The transition from High School to college can be very difficult for students. But it can be equally distressing for parents who are learning to let go. Letting go, of course, begins in the early years with your son’s or daughter’s increasing independence. but it is not until they actually leave home to attend college that it becomes such a stark reality.

Although it can be a time of great celebration and pride, it is likely to bring a multitude of emotions as their childhood and your responsibility for childrearing ends. Parents send their young adults off with a mix of emotions, elation and trepidation, a sense of freedom and loneliness, and often confusion about how their roles are transitioning yet remaining the same in some aspects.

It is not comforting to know that your child is going through similar throes of confusion as he or she vacillates between demanding independence and seeking protection and nurturing from you during this stage of development. It is helpful to know, however, that this is the normal course of development and a very healthy, albeit, challenging time for the family.

At the same time, parents are entering a new phase of their lives and it is difficult to manage the conflicting desires to let go, yet stay connected, in the familiar and comforting manner as before.

We have some basic suggestions listed here for navigating the turbulent waters of your son’s or daughter’s search for greater independence and self-reliance. In addition, you are welcome to contact us to discuss your concerns regarding your college-age student. At the end of these suggestions, you will also find some recommended reading sources and websites you may want to consider.

1. Accept That it Will be Different
Students are going to be more independent, so it's important that parents foster and encourage that. At the same time, students should recognize how hard it is for parents to let go as their roles are changing. 

It can be a very confusing time for both students and parents as students will vacillate between demanding their independence and wanting the security and stability that home and parents signify.

It’s a delicate balance, but the key is learning when to let go, fostering their growth, and at the same time, being an anchor for them by providing support and guidance when they need it.

2. Give Advance Warning: Avoid bombshells
You can avoid hurt feelings and conflict by giving each other advance warning of any significant changes. For parents, that means reassurances that your son or daughter is still an important part of the family even though you had to turn their bedroom into an office, or there was a sibling takeover.

On the flip side, students need to warn mom and dad in advance about significant changes including any tattoos, piercings, or whacky haircuts that might come as a bombshell to parents. You may still need to talk about it when you get home but at least you are not blindsiding them.

3. Negotiate, Don't Argue
The most important thing that students and parents can do is communicate. They are going to have different expectations with the student thinking they should, perhaps, be treated as an adult guest when they return home and parents thinking interactions with each other will be the same as before their son or daughter went to college.

Parents will need to revise old rules, curfews and ways of interacting. At the same time, students should recognize and respect parents' concerns when they are home on breaks by telling parents when they are going to be home or by calling if they are going to be out later than expected. The critical step here is to listen to and respect each other's views and come up with mutually satisfying solutions.

4. Create new Family Rituals
Hold onto those traditions which are most meaningful but develop new ones which  accommodate the changes both your student and you have made since college. Remember different isn’t bad. In fact, most parents find that the new adult relationships they are developing with their students are very rewarding.

Other sources of information: Books

“Letting Go; A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years” by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger

“You're On Your Own (But I'm Here if You Need Me) : Mentoring Your Child During the College Years” by Marjorie Savage

“Been There, Should've Done That II: More Tips for Making the Most of College” by Suzette Tyler

“The Naked Roommate and 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” by Harlan Cohen

Consulting with Us

We recognize that parents are going to be naturally concerned about their sons and daughters. This is especially true when students enter college for the first time, when they may experience the adjustment difficulties that are common to students when they leave home. We welcome and encourage general consultations with concerned parents via phone or in-person. Parents can call our offices at (317) 788-3437 to discuss with a counselor any concerns they might have about the well-being of their son or daughter.

It is important to understand, however, that strict and complete confidentiality applies for all students who receive services at our Counseling Center, and that no information will be released to anyone without the student’s written consent.

The University of Indianapolis Health and Counseling Center cannot confirm or deny that a student has visited or is a client of the Counseling Center, nor can we disclose any information without the student’s signature on a Release of Information form.

This policy follows the ethical guidelines of the American Psychological Association. We believe the confidentiality assurance we make is critical to the therapeutic relationship and your student’s ability to openly discuss and work through various difficulties he or she is experiencing. 

We, of course, want to accommodate your concerns related to your son or daughter, and are happy to provide parents a general consultation which is specific to your concerns, suggestions, and recommendations regarding your son’s or daughter’s well-being.

We can also provide you with ways for you to encourage your son or daughter to visit our Counseling Center if needed. We can provide general tips or suggestions on how you might work through the particular difficulty or concern you are experiencing with your son or daughter. We will also offer other on-campus resources available to your son or daughter which may be additional sources of assistance to them.

Contacting Us
The Health and Counseling Center is open Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. and is closed for lunch from 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. You can reach us via phone or e-mail and we will be happy to consult with you.

We are located on the second floor of the Schwitzer Student Center. Although most of the time we can return your call in the same day, please keep in mind that it may take up to 24 hours before we can call you back. If you think that it is an emergency, please let our office manager know that when you call, and a counseling staff member will contact you right away.

Please note that if you are contacting us via e-mail, that the Internet is not a completely secure mechanism for relaying sensitive information such as your son’s or daughter’s name or the issue you need to discuss. Therefore, a brief note expressing your desire to talk with us is preferred. Then we can contact you directly to discuss your specific concerns.

Please contact Dr. Lesley Stockton, lstockton@uindy.edu, or Dr. Kelly Miller, kmiller@uindy.edu, the psychologists on staff in the health and Counseling Center. Our phone number is (317) 788-3437. If you call after-hours, you will be directed to leave a message, or there are emergency phone numbers listed for you to use in emergency situations.

Crisis
If a crisis should arise, the Counseling Center staff will do its utmost to assist you in any way possible. The staff will work closely with local psychiatrists and hospitals in situations that require such intervention. If a counselor is not available, call the suicide/crisis unit of St. Vincent Hospital Stress Center at (317) 388-4800 or the Adult and Child Mental Health Center, (317) 882-5122.